He nui nā kiʻi ʻoniʻoni weliweli i ka Kalikimaka e koho ai, ʻoi aku ka nui ma mua o Halloween. Loaʻa iā ʻoe kāu mau mea i ʻike maikaʻi ʻia, e like me ka Po Pūhū, Po Pōʻino laina a me Gremlins, kekahi mau moʻolelo ʻeleʻele a haʻahaʻa ʻia e like me Keʻino Kalikimaka a i ʻole kekahi mea hou a hoʻohenehene e like me Pepehi a Santa. Akā ʻo ka mea i kamaʻilio ʻole a makemake paha e noʻonoʻo elves, he kiʻiʻoniʻoni e pili ana i kahi wahine i ʻike ʻo ia he ʻāpana o ka hewa (e kūʻē i ka maikaʻi) hoʻokolohua Nazi e pili ana i ka hoʻoulu koho ʻana a kāhea ʻia nā elves i ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e hana i ka lāhui o nā superhumans, no laila ua hui pū ʻo ia me kekahi mau hoaaloha a me kahi keʻena renegade. E kūʻai aku iā Santa e lawe iā lākou! Um… he aha!? ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻano like ia me ke ʻano o ka poʻe hoʻohana flick e hele pupule. Loaʻa i kēia nā hoʻoponopono āpau o ke kani ʻana i ke kiʻiʻoniʻoni pupule ʻōpeʻa loa, no laila ma hea lākou i hewa ai?

Ma kekahi ʻano, ʻaʻole lākou. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e manaʻo i kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni e like me kēia he ʻano hana weliweli. ʻO kaʻu manaʻo, pili ka mea i kahi elf Nazi. ʻAʻole mākou e hana pono i ka ʻO ko Schindler's List o na kii weliweli maanei. Ma mua o koʻu hele ʻana aku, e nānā pono kākou.

ʻO ke koko i hoʻokahe ʻia ma ke kahua kapu me he mea lā ke kumu o nā pilikia a pau, amirite? Ua ʻoki ʻia ʻo Kristen ʻōpio i kona lima i ka wā o kahi hoʻomana pagan Anti-Christmas me kāna mau hoaaloha ʻo Brooke lāua ʻo Amy. ʻAʻole anei ʻoe e ʻike, hoʻāla ke koko i hoʻokahe ʻia i ka mea i kapa ʻia ma ka ʻaoʻao Wiki o ka kiʻiʻoniʻoni (ʻae, loaʻa iā ia kekahi) "he elf Kalikimaka daimonio kahiko." ʻAʻohe mea maikaʻi aʻe e hana ai, ʻo ia he elf ʻino a me nā mea āpau, hoʻomaka ʻo ia e hahai iā Kristen a puni ʻoiai ʻo ia e hele ana i kāna hana lawelawe ma ka hale kūʻai kūloko. ʻO kēia kahi e pepehi ai ka elf i ka mall Santa i hiki ai i ke kiʻi ke hoʻolauna i ka meʻe maoli o ka kiʻiʻoniʻoni, ʻo Mike McGavin i hoʻokani ʻia e Dan Haggerty… ʻike ʻoe, Grizzly FREAKIN' Adams! ʻO Mike kahi mākaʻikaʻi i hoʻololi ʻia i ka ʻona i hoʻokuke ʻia mai kāna trailer, no laila ʻike ʻoe ua ʻō kēia ʻano me nā ʻano cliche maikaʻi a pau. No ka home ʻole i kēia manawa, ʻo Dan i loko o ka hale kūʻai i ka wā pani a lohe ʻo Kristen a me kāna mau hoaaloha e kali nei i kā lākou mau hoaaloha i hiki iā lākou ke pāʻina i ka pō a pau.

E kali i kekona; he pūʻulu kaikamahine e holo i loko o kahi hale kūʻai i ka pō e pāʻina me kā lākou mau hoaaloha, me ka ʻike ʻole iā lākou i nā mea ʻino e kali nei? He kani loa Kāleʻa Kūʻai, ʻae? E kala mai, ʻaʻohe lopako pepehi kanaka ma ʻaneʻi. He elf pepehi wale. ʻAʻole ʻo Elves. Hoʻokahi.

ʻO ia ka manawa e hōʻike ai kahi pūʻulu o nā Nazi a hōʻike i ka mea huna a Kristen a me ka mea a lākou e manaʻo ai e hana pū me ia, i hiki ke hana hou i ka lāhui haku a lawe i ka honua. Ua hui pū ʻo Kristen me Mike, kona kaikunāne kolohe ʻino (e nānā iā ia i ka ʻauʻau… e hoʻoheheʻe ʻia i loko), a ʻo kona kupuna wahine, aʻo i ka mea huna o kona wā i hala a hoʻopau i ka hoʻolālā a me ka elf a ka Nazi i hoʻokahi manawa. , me ka hopena e hana Leprechaun nana puulehu ma ka hoohalike ana! ʻO ia ka moʻolelo Kalikimaka maʻamau e hoʻomaha ai ʻoe i loko no nā lā hoʻomaha. Eia naʻe, hiki iaʻu ke noho ma ʻaneʻi a nitpick i kapa ʻia kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni elves hoʻokahi wale nō elf, akā manaʻo wau he nui nā mea hou aʻe i ka nitpick ma ʻaneʻi, no laila e hele mua a hana i kēlā.

Ma hope o nā mea a pau, pehea ʻoe e makemake ʻole ai e ʻike i kēia? He kiʻiʻoniʻoni ʻaʻole i loaʻa kekahi o nā kiʻiʻoniʻoni weliweli/hana kiʻiʻoniʻoni… ʻaʻole, hoʻāʻo lākou e hoʻokomo iā lākou a pau ma ʻaneʻi! Me he mea lā he nui loa ko lākou mau manaʻo a hoʻāʻo e hoʻokomo iā lākou a pau, akā hana. Loaʻa iā ʻoe nā Nazi ʻino, kahi daimonio kahiko i kāhea ʻia, ua hoʻohuli ʻia kahi mākaʻi ʻona-ex mall Santa a me kahi kaikamahine me kahi huna huna e hoʻōki i nā mea āpau. E hāʻule ka hapa nui o nā kiʻiʻoniʻoni, akā elves hiki ke mālama i nā mea a pau. ʻAʻole loa i manaʻo ʻia ka pehu a i ʻole ka nui o ka hana. ʻIke wau, kāhāhā, ʻeā?

Ua kamaʻilio nui wau e pili ana i kēia elf, no laila pehea kona ʻano? Ma ke ʻano he kiʻiʻoniʻoni mai ka makahiki 1989, ʻano maikaʻi loa ia… no nā minuke mua āu e ʻike ai iā ia, a laila hoʻomaka ʻoe e ʻike i ke ʻano maʻalahi a me ka goofy, e hoʻomaka ana ʻoe e hoʻohālikelike iā ia me nā mea titular o ʻO Hobgoblins. Ke ʻike ʻole mākou i nā lima o ka elf a i ʻole ma o kahi POV a ʻike maoli ʻoe i kona mau helehelena, e ʻakaʻaka ʻoe i kāna ʻano ʻano paʻa e like me ke ʻano mau loa ʻo ia i ka sneeze. He kiʻi ʻoniʻoni haʻahaʻa haʻahaʻa, no laila pono ʻoe e manaʻo i kahi kīʻaha, kahi i pala ai ke kiʻiʻoniʻoni. ʻO nā mea a pau o kēia kiʻiʻoniʻoni ma luna o ka luna a me ka hoʻohenehene, aʻu i maopopo ai ua ʻohi ʻoe mai ka heluhelu ʻana i kēia. ʻO nā hana ke ʻano o ka hoʻonui ʻana āu e manaʻo ai mai kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni e like me kēia, me he mea lā ua ʻike nā mea keaka i ke ʻano o ke kiʻiʻoniʻoni a lākou e hana nei a manaʻo ʻo ia, "ʻAe, hiki ke hele i waho!" Hoʻokani maikaʻi ʻia ʻo Kristen, akā ʻo nā mea ʻē aʻe e hele ana ma luna a i ʻole ke kelepona ʻana iā ia, e like me kona mau kūpuna e pāʻani ana i nā stereotypes ākea. ʻAʻole i hana hou nā kaikamahine ʻelua e pāʻani nei i kāna mau hoaaloha, he mea kūpono ke ʻike ʻoe i kēia. ʻO kekahi o kaʻu mau mea punahele ʻo ka makuahine ʻo Kristen me ka ʻole a me ka ʻino loa. Hoʻokani ka mea hana keaka i kēia hana me he mea lā e pāʻani ana ʻo ia i kahi kanaka hewa Bond a ua manaʻo wau e lilo ʻo ia i ʻāpana o ka Nazi ʻino. ʻO Dan Haggerty ka icing ma ka keke, ka mea pāʻani e like me kāu e manaʻo ai e pāʻani ana ʻo Grizzly Adams i kahi hale kūʻai ʻona ʻo Santa. Hoʻokomo ʻo ia i kāna mau mea āpau i kēia kuleana, e like me kāna i noʻonoʻo ai ʻo ia kāna hana holomua. ʻO kāna hana ʻo ia ka kuhikuhi nui ʻana i ka mea maopopo i hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i ka naʻaupō maoli, akā ʻoi aku ka leʻaleʻa o kēia kiʻiʻoniʻoni. E like me koʻu inaina ʻana i kēia ʻōlelo, he kiʻi ʻoniʻoni 'ino loa a maikaʻi'. ʻO kēia ke ʻano kiʻiʻoniʻoni ʻaʻole i kau ʻia ka pepa kiʻiʻoniʻoni ma kāna ʻaoʻao IMDB, me he mea lā ua hilahila lākou.

He liʻiliʻi loa nā manawa i ke ola e ʻike ai ʻoe e hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo, "Ua ʻike au i kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni kahi e ʻaʻahu ai ʻo Grizzly Adams e like me Santa Claus a hakakā i kahi elf Nazi kahiko a hewa." Ke hiki mai kēia manawa, ke koi aku nei au iā ʻoe e lawe. I kēia manawa, a me ke kaumaha, ʻaʻole i loaʻa ke kiʻiʻoniʻoni ma DVD a hele ka VHS no kahi $10, akā hiki iā ʻoe ke nānā i ke kiʻiʻoniʻoni ma ka wikiō ma lalo nei. Mele Kalikimaka, ke hāʻawi aku nei au iā ʻoe i kekahi o nā wahi maikaʻi loa a maikaʻi hoʻi e hāʻawi ʻia e kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni.

[youtube id=”QiDKup32jGY”]